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The Music of Words

19 Thursday Jan 2017

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in Music, Writing

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Am Writing, Crenshaw, Elizabeth Fais, Katherine Applegate, Maggie Stiefvater, Martha Brockenbrough, Mary E. Pearson, Music, Shiver, Stephen King, Story, The Beauty of Darkness, The Game of Love and Death, Truman Capote, Writing

shutterstock_379805902_flipThere is music in words. Listen to a conversation in a language you don’t understand and focus on the lyrical quality. When you aren’t distracted by what is being said, you hear the rhythm of the words and the melody in the tones.

Written words are musical as well. A story, in essence, is a symphony of syllables. Writers weave words into melodies, sentences that flow into passages, then swell into movements.

Writers hear the words as they are put onto the page, as if they being spoken. Their structural tempo evokes mood and conveys emotion. A character’s purpose and journey is intertwined with the melody. The author’s voice is the harmonic fabric that blends intertwining melodies into a vibrant whole.

Many writers find inspiration, and connect with the inner muse, through music. The proof is in the playlists they post on social media, different music for each story.

Find Your Writing Rythm

A writer’s rhythm is their voice. I already have a blog post on The Illusive “Voice” ~ What Editors Want and Writers Seek, so I won’t go into that again. Instead I’ll cut to the chase, to the three simple steps anyone can use to find their unique voice:

  1. Read. Read. Read.
  2. Write. Write. Write.
  3. Repeat.

Read everything in your genre, then read widely in other genres. When you find an author whose style resonates with you, read everything they’ve written. Then read those books again. In the sheer act of reading and rereading their words, you absorb the rhythm of the prose, which miraculously transforms into your own unique voice.

If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time or tools to write. ~Stephen King

A writer’s voice isn’t a static. The quality of voice evolves as a writer hones and polishes their craft. It takes both reading and writing to discover your writing rhythm, your voice.

Making Music with Words

A story is a symphony of syllables, with possibilities as rich and varied as the imagination. The following excerpts are from books by remarkable authors, each with a unique voice.

Shiver
by Maggie Stiefvater
: As the hours crept by, the afternoon sunlight bleached all the books on the shelves to pale, gilded versions of themselves and warmed the paper and ink inside the covers so that the smell of unread words hung in the air. That was what I loved, when I was human.

The Game of Love and Death
by Martha Brockenbrough: 
“If life didn’t end,” he [Love] said, “there would be no need for me. To choose love indreamstime_xs_182186 the face of death is the ultimate act of courage. I am the joy, but you [Death] are the meaning. Together, we make humanity more than it otherwise might have been.”

The Beauty of Darkness
by Mary E. Pearson: 
The world flickered, pulling us into protective darkness, and I was in his arms again, our palms damp, searching, no lies, no kingdoms, nothing between us but our skin, his voice warm, fluid, like a golden sun, unfolding every tight thing within me, I will love you forever, no matter what happens.

Crenshaw
by Katherine Applegate
: I noticed several weird things about the surfboarding cat. Thing number one: He as a surfboarding cat. Thing number two: He was wearing a T-shirt. It said CATS RULE, DOGS DROOL. Thing number three: He was holding a closed umbrella, like he was worried about getting wet. Which, when you think about it, is kind of not the point of surfing.

Truman Capote understood the music of words. For him, it was the joy of writing.

To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it’s about, but the inner music the words make.~Truman Capote

What story do you need to write, what symphony do you have to play?
Music of words


The Magic of “Giving”

20 Tuesday Dec 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in Giving Back, Holiday, Inspiration, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

California, Elizabeth Fais, Giving Back, happiness, Happy Holidays, holiday giving, Holidays, key to happiness, non-profit organizations, Random Acts of Kindness, Sausalito, The Marine Mammal Center, volunteer

The holiday season sparkles with promise. A mystical quality tempts us to peerDisneyland fireworks, Rivers of America beyond the veil into a place brimming with never-ending happiness…like living at Disneyland.

As children we embraced that joy with our whole heart. But as we grew older and more jaded, we lost the connection with the magic, some turning into die-hard cynics because it never reappeared.

The good news is, the magic is still there any time you want it.

The bad news is, you’ve had the key all along and didn’t know it.

The Key to Happiness is Helping Others

Yeah, I know. It sounds like watered down fortune-cookie wisdom. Still, it happens to be true. I’m talking from personal experience too, not reciting something from a Fast-Pass-to-Enlightenment guide. Giving is the focus of many faiths at this time of year, and for good reason.

As a teenager, I was suffered the same angst and self-doubt as everyone else. I was a nerdy overachiever with a side of art-geek, who thought happiness lay in chasing a goal. Funny how when I finally got “there”, happiness had already left the building. Sadly, this delusion lasted for years.

opendoor2Finally, I had the good sense to volunteer at The Marine Mammal Center in Sausalito, after moving to San Francisco. I thought it would be a good way to meet people with the same interests, which it was. But more important, the experience opened me up to the secret of happiness. There’s a wonderful energy that comes from giving selflessly. Our Sunday Night Crew signed in at 5:00 pm, and in an El Nino winter, we often didn’t leave until sunrise. And we had a GREAT time on our shift too! I’d get home in time to shower and head to work. Magically, the energy carried me through the day…with a smile on my face.

A QuickStart Guide to Giving

If you’re one of the many who don’t have time to volunteer for a non-profit organization on a regular basis, you can do something to “give” everyday. And you’ll be surprised by the happiness you receive in return.

  • Give gently used clothes to local shelters or non-profit organizations.
  • Give towels and bedding to local animal shelters and rescue organizations.
  • For more options for giving to local animal shelters, see my It’s Hard to Be a (Grumpy) Cat at Christmas post.
  • Smile and say something nice to the checkout person at the grocery store. Your kind words will make their day.
  • At the end of a conversation with a Customer Service representative, when they ask you if there’s anything else they can do for you? Say, “Yes. Have a Happy Holiday!” Or, “Have wonderful day!” depending on the season.
  • Perform random acts of kindness, helping strangers in unexpected ways.
  • Leave a copy of a favorite book on a table or bench with a “This is yours to enjoy!” note inside to whoever finds it. There’s a Teen Book Drop event called Rock the Drop I’ve participated in for several years now. Why not spread the reading love all year long?!
  • Use a special talent, such as calligraphy, design, or organizational skills to help a non-profit organization promote an event.

The truth is, the more you give the happier you are…and the more you realize you have to give…in ways you never thought possible. It costs so little and the reward is priceless.

Here’s to magically Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year too!

Fireworks hearts

It’s Hard to Be a (Grumpy) Cat at Christmas!

12 Monday Dec 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in Animals, Cats, Giving Back

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Colonel Meow, Costco, Elizabeth Fais, Friskies, Giving Back, Google Express, Grumpy Cat, Hamilton the Hipster Cat, Holiday Spirit, HSSV, Humane Society Silicon Valley, Humane Society SV, Klaus, Nala Cat, Oskar the Blind Cat, Random Acts of Kindness, Tardar Sauce

Grumpy…For the good of all cat-kind

A couple of years ago Grumpy Cat, Oskar the Blind Cat, Nala Cat, Colonel Meow, and Hamilton the Hipster Cat starred in the following video that helped to feed over 500,000 homeless cats. While the view-and-feed-homeless-cats offer for the video is long past, the sentiment of helping those less fortunate still rings true. Especially at this time of year.

Grumpy Cat at Christmas

You don’t have to sponsor thousands of meals to feed homeless animals in order to make a HUGE difference.

Kindness Comes in Many Flavors

Grumpy Cat and I both have a soft spot in our hearts for animals that have been left to fend for themselves under harsh conditions. Here’s a few things you can do in your local community that will make a significant impact in the quality of life for homeless animals:

  • Donate a bag of cat/dog food to your local Humane Society or animal shelter.HSSV kitten Sometimes there are even “donation” bins at local pet food stores for local shelters and rescue organizations.
  • Give those old towels you were about to throw away to your local animal shelter. They always need towels and other types of bedding material.
  • Shelters always need disinfectant cleaners, bleach, newspapers, and paper towels. Next time you’re out shopping, buy extra to donate to your local shelter.

If you don’t have time to shop and deliver goods to your local shelter and know your way around the internet, you can shop the discount stores, like Costco, and have the items delivered for a small fee.

  • Donate your time. Shelters need volunteers in all capacities.
  • Best of all, open your heart and home to a homeless or rescue animal. They will return the love one hundred-fold.

It’s Hard to Be a Cat at Christmas


Spread Light with Stories that Empower

13 Sunday Nov 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in Inspiration, Story, Writing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

C.S. Lewis, Chronicles of Narnia, diverse books, Elizabeth Fais, empower, J.R.R. Tolkien, Martha Brockenbrough, Meg Cabot, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, Yogi Tea

Literature Lights the Way

I’ve stayed clear of politics on this blog, until now. The results of the recent Presidential election cast our nation into darkness. Many now live in fear for their safety and the safety and well-being of family and friends. This is not OK! Especially not in a nation formed on the ideals of freedom, equality, human and civil rights, “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” for all.

Love light

But as bad as it is, I finally realized these aren’t the worst times our country has faced…and survived. We are not in a Civil War.

Not to minimize the difficulties and rough road ahead, just giving it a little perspective.

Serendipity bestowed an emotional pick-me-up the other night that helped me to see things in a new way. The Yogi Tea I drink in the evening comes with wisdom-y quotes. This one was spot on:

Spread the light. Be a lighthouse.

How perfect is that?

We each have special skills to draw from that can help to turn the tide of discrimination and hate to one of acceptance and love. Writers wage the of power influence through their words, with their stories. Meg Cabot tweeted as much the very next day.

empower_mc

Words of Power

Honesty hour. I hit a wall on my current YA project two-thirds of the way through the first draft. Self-doubt and an internal editor, who’s more like a death eater, put the skids on my progress. Until now. The election results were my call to arms—or maybe hands, since I’m a writer. Suddenly, something is way more important than my ego.

Creating stories that infuse young readers with courage, dignity, inclusion, love, and hope is my mission. My new mantra, compliments of an author I admire:

Write that, write that hard. –Martha Brockenbrough

Writers in previous generations used their words to dispel the darkness, when faced with criminal injustice and the atrocities of war.

C.S. Lewis wrote The Chronicles of Narnia after returning from World War I. Likewise, J.R.R. Tolkien penned The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy in the aftermath of World War I.

empower_lord-of-the-rings
empower_chronicles-of-narnia

We don’t have to attain the greatness of Tolkien or C.S. Lewis to make a difference today. We just have to craft well-told stories that empower minds of all ages.

Now to writing that, writing that hard.


Fictional Time Management & Other Relative Topics

06 Sunday Nov 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in Story, Writing

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Albert Einstein, Andie MacDowell, Bill Murray, clockpunk, clocks, Daylight Savings Time, Elizabeth Fais, Fantasy, Fiction, Groundhog Day, Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney, Story, Tara Sim, Theory of Relativity, time, Timekeeper, Writing, YA, Young Adult

Einstein Nailed It

When I was in grade school, my parents went away for an hour and it felt like an entire day. Seriously. Later that same year when we went to Disneyland for the first time, one day felt like a minute.

Not unlike when we set our clocks forward an hour in the spring for Daylight Savings Time, and it feels like we lose four hours of sleep instead of just one. Yet when we set our clocks back an hour in the fall, the same hour feels like it’s cut in half. What’s up with that?

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity in four words: Time is funny stuff.

Clock faces

The Perception of Time is Relative

We often perceive time as expanding or contracting based on our emotions, and our perception creates our reality. Authors have used this to their advantage for quite some time. Telling a story in real-time slows the pace down to focus on a character or story element, or maybe to build suspense. Writers have their ways of accelerating the pace to adjust perception and influence emotion too. Further proof that the pen, and the keyboard, are mightier than the sword. And quantum physics…apparently.

Manipulating fictional time, at its best, keeps readers turning the pages. I wrote a post on Time as a Story Element that discusses these techniques in greater detail, if you’re interested.

Lost Time: Timekeeper

What if time didn’t just expand and contract, but could actually be lost? As in disappear. Vanish. Just freaking gone.

TimekeeperAn intriguing predicament that I hadn’t considered, until I picked up Timekeeper by Tara Sim. The first lines of this alternate Victorian era London run by clock towers cut to the chase:

Two o’clock was missing. Danny wanted it to be a joke. Hours didn’t just disappear.

But they can, and did, in a world where clock towers literally control time. When a clock tower breaks, so does time. And when a clock tower is destroyed, time stops completely. This clockpunk fantasy is infused with magic, woven through with myth, and spiced with mayhem. Danny, our hero, is a clock Mechanic charged with ensuring that time flows according to the natural order. The Mechanics inherit the job, because they can actually feel the strands of time and the weave of its fabric. The existential truths layered throughout the story provide satisfying believability and depth.

Time was everywhere and nowhere at once, making the moment last an eternity.

Stuck in Time: Groundhog Day

There is broken time, and then there is being stuck in time on infinite repeat. A post on fictional time and relativity just isn’t complete without a mention of one of my favorite movies: Groundhog Day.

Groundhog Day movie

Phil (Bill Murray), an egotistical curmudgeon of a weatherman, gets stuck living Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania over, and over, and over…until he finally gets it right. Which for him, takes some doing. I could go on and on and on about this movie, but you’ll enjoy watching the following trailer much more. May time forever flow in your favor.



Word Wizardry ~ The Power of Punchy Dialog

03 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in Fiction, Television, Writing

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Allison Janney, Bradley Whitford, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, C.J. Cregg, dialog, Donna Moss, Elizabeth Fais, Fiction, Janel Moloney, Josh Lyman, Joss Whedon, Martin Sheen, President Bartlet, Rob Lowe, Sam Seaborn, Stockard Channing, Story, Television, The West Wing, Writing

Dialog molds characters into three-dimensions. What characters say, as well as what they don’t, reveals who they are. Dialog has the power to make a story and its characters memorable, whether in books, theater, film, or television. I shamelessly study any medium that’s raised the dialog bar. My current obsession interest is The West Wing.

The West Wing cast

The Magic of the Cutting Quip

I’m a little (?) late to the game on The West Wing (1999-2006). However, it is still in high westwing_joshsam1pngdemand on Netflix, which is a testament to its raise-the-bar quality.

The snappy dialog, and the aplomb with which it is delivered, hooked me in the first episode. Centered around the day-to-day happenings surrounding the President of the United States and his staff, The West Wing tackles serious topics without sinking into the morose. The sheer genius of the dialog and its delivery balanced intense drama with just-right humor, while revealing nuanced layers character traits.

Such as when Sam Seaborn, Deputy White House Communications Director in the administration of President Josiah “Jed” Bartlet, deflects an attack of an irate woman for his stance on school funding:

Woman: Don’t play dumb with me.
Sam: I am dumb. Most of the time I’m playing smart.

Then there were the typos in the State of the Union Address. Sam Seaborn, headshotAs a writer, I may find typos funnier than most. But still. It’s The White House. Monumental decisions that affect millions of people go down there every day. So misspelled words in the State of the Union Address? Kind of (?) funny, if not a little embarrassing.

The following exchange happened during a read-through of the President’s State of the Union speech:

President: I’m proud to report our country’s stranger than it was a year ago?
Sam: Stronger. That’s a typo.
President: It could go either way.

Then later in the same episode:

First Lady: Why is hall#wed spelled with a pound sign in the middle of it?
President: I stopped asking those questions.

Dialog “Do’s” from The West Wing

  • Reveal personality quirks.
    Josh Lyman, White House Deputy Chief of Staff, and Donna Moss, his assistant, were arguing about her not checking his lunch order to make sure his hamburger was burned-to-a-crisp. Josh elaborates, “I like my hamburger so hard that if you drop it on the floor it breaks.”
  • Show character strengths.
    Josh threatens to fire Donna when she pushes back on a request that’s obviously not important. To which she replies, “You’ve already fired me three times. I’m impervious.” Then she walks away, declaring “Impervious.”
  • Expose character dynamics.
    C.J. Cregg, White House Press Secretary, intentionally annoys Josh in a press briefing by saying, “…the theoretical psychics at Cal Tech Nuclear Lab… You know what? I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be physicists.”
  • Engender empathy in a character.
    An international incident is in play, the President suffered a medical emergency, the State of the Union Address is that evening, and everyone keeps asking him if he’s taking his medication. To ease his staff’s worry, President Bartlet responds with humor, “Is it possible I’m taking something called euthanasia?” Sam replies, “Echinacea.” The President smiles, “That sounds more like it.”
  • Lighten an intense scene.
    Every episode of The West Wing uses witty banter to lighten intense scenes. Joss Whedon—creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer—said it best: “Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.”

The Magic of “GREAT!” Beginnings

13 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in Books, Story, Writing

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Also Known As, Elizabeth Fais, Katherine Applegate, Martha Brockenbrough, Mary E. Pearson, Newbery Medal, Richard Peck, Robin Benway, SCBWI, The Game of Love and Death, The Kiss of Deception, The One And Only Ivan

Spellbinding Firsts

Magic of a good bookWhat is it about one book that you can’t put down once you start reading, and another that you can’t get past the first few pages? “Magic?” you say. I’d have to agree, if the magic is that of an intriguing story well told.

How does a writer work that magic into a story? How do we conjure the spell?

Multiple Newbery Medal winner, Richard Peck, shed insight on the magic behind great beginnings in an article in that appeared in the September/October 2006 issue of The Horn Book Magazine. Then, at a SCBWI annual summer conference, he expanded on his theory that, “You are only as good as your first line.” The secret he related was that, “the essence of the entire story should be encapsulated on the first page.” Yes, the entire story…is an expanded reflection of the first page.

No wonder Richard Peck revises his first chapter again and again, and then once more after he’s finished the book. Because…

The first chapter is the last chapter in disguise.

Peck keeps working on the beginning of a story until he can answer each of the following questions with a satisfied “Yes”:

Does it intrigue? Does it invite? Does it work?

He should know. Multiple Newbery Medals don’t lie. Applying concepts to my own writing is always easier when I have quality examples to study for structure. The following books provide insights into how great beginnings work, each in its own way:

  • The Kiss of Deception by Mary E. Pearson
  • The Game of Love and Death by Martha Brockenbrough
  • The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate
  • Also Known As by Robin Benway

The Kiss of Deception

The Kiss of Deception, the first in The Remnant Chronicles series by Mary. E. The Kiss of DeceptionPearson, is expertly crafted in many ways. The beginning is no exception. The opening paragraphs wrap us in a lyrical voice and language that intrigue, engender suspense, and unfold threads of magic that alight to weave their magic throughout the series:

Today was the day a thousand dreams would die and a single dream would be born.

The wind knew. It was the first of June, but cold gusts bit at the hilltop citadelle as fiercely as deepest winter, shaking the windows with curses and winding through drafty halls with warning whispers. There was no escaping what was to come.

The Game of Love and Death

Game of Love and Death The Game of Love and Death, by Martha Brockenbrough, is an eternal love story staged by the ultimate masters of the game of life: Love and Death.

The masters choose players to unwittingly participate in a romantic dance through a life filled with jazz clubs and airfields. The players’ dance comes to such a poignant and satisfying culmination, that even the arch nemeses are overwhelmed by its divine beauty.

Brockenbrough establishes the fable in entrancing magic from the first paragraph, weaving the lyrical rhythm of language and fully developed characters with expert elegance:

The figure in the fine gray suit materialized in the nursery and stood over the sleeping infant, inhaling the sweet, milky night air. He could have taken any form, really: a sparrow, a snowy owl, even a common house fly. Although he often traveled the world on wings, for this work he always preferred a human guise.

The One and Only Ivan

The One and Only Ivan, by Katherine Applegate, is a fictional story that was inspired by Ivan, aTheOneAndOnlyIvan_cover real gorilla at the Atlanta Zoo. You can read about the real Ivan here.

The One and Only Ivan is both heartbreaking and heartfelt, brimming with the tenacity of true friendship and the beauty of resolute spirit. Ivan’s soulful voice, his big heart, and the simple honesty of his view of the world draw us in and hold us till the well-deserved happy ending:

I am Ivan. I am a gorilla.

It’s not as easy as it looks.

People call me the Freeway Gorilla. The Ape at Exit 8. The One and Only Ivan, Mighty Silverback.

The names are mine, but they are not me. I am Ivan, just Ivan, only Ivan.

Also Known As

Also Known AsGreat beginnings don’t have to be serious. They can be fresh and fun too, like Also Known As by Robin Benway.

Maggie Silver is the safe cracking prodigy of parents who work for the world’s premier spy organization. Maggie’s sass and snark don’t disappoint on this fast-paced caper, rife with international espionage and the unexpected perils of negotiating high school and first love:

I cracked my first safe when I was three.

I know that sounds like I’m bragging, but really, it wasn’t that hard. It was a Master Lock, the same combination lock that you probably have on your locker or bike. Anyone with Internet access and too much time on his or her hands can crack a Master Lock. I’m serious. Google it. I’ll wait.

See? Easy.


Geek Speak Decoded ~ Software Secrets Exposed At Last!

01 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in Humor, Writing

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computer, Elizabeth Fais, engineering, geek speak, high-tech, software, technical writer

I’ve been a technical writer in the computer software industry longer than I care to admit. As in any industry, there are closely guarded secrets no one wants the unsuspecting public to know. /dev/null tells no tales, but I sure can! It’s time you learned what you never wanted to know about software, because you were afraid to ask.

CAUTION: Disturbing subject matter, could result in gut-wrenching laughter.

cat and computer

What they really mean when they say…

  • NEW — Different colors from the previous version.
  • ALL NEW — Software is not compatible with the previous version.
  • EXCLUSIVE — We’re the only one who has documentation.
  • UNMATCHED — Almost as good as the competition.
  • DESIGN SIMPLICITY — Developed on a shoe-string budget.
  • FOOLPROOF OPERATION — All parameters are hard-coded.
  • ADVANCED DESIGN — Upper management doesn’t understand it.
  • IT’S HERE AT LAST — Released a 26 week project in 48 weeks.
  • FIELD TESTED — Manufacturing doesn’t have a test system.
  • HIGH ACCURACY — It hasn’t crashed…yet.
  • YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT — Finally got one to work.
  • UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE — Nothing ever ran this slow before.
  • REVOLUTIONARY — Disk drives go round and round.
  • BREAKTHROUGH — It finally booted on the first try.
  • FUTURISTIC — It only runs on the next generation supercomputer.
  • NO MAINTENANCE — Impossible to fix.
  • PERFORMANCE PROVEN — Worked through Beta test.
  • MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS — It compiles without errors.
  • SATISFACTION GUARANTEED — We’ll send you another pack if it fails.
  • STOCK ITEM — We shipped it once and we can do it again.

DISCLAIMER: I cannot take credit for this enlightening expose. This top-secret information was clandestinely distributed in the 1990s. Now that the statute of imitation has expired, the gritty truth can finally be told.


Write Word, Wrong Place ~ The Struggle is Reel!

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in English, Humor, Writing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

A Farewell to Arms, Elizabeth Fais, English, Ernest Hemingway, Humor, language, Science

three laughing childrenLet’s take a break, for a moment, from the writer’s obsession with finding just the right words to convey voice, tone, emotion, character, pacing and the like.

Yes, we writers obsess over our words. It’s part of the job description. Ernest Hemingway admitted to rewriting the ending of a A Farewell to Arms thirty-nine times! When asked what the problem was, he replied, “Getting the words right.”

But let’s ditch the obsessing—for a little while—and go back to the time when we were still trying to wrap our heads around the complexities of language, and indulge in some innocent language levity. [PC: morguefile]

Language Levity

I don’t know about you, but when I was in grade school I’d use a word because it sounded right. Back then, there were only paper dictionaries (yes, paper!), and if a dictionary wasn’t handy I’d go with what sounded right.

My “sounds right” guessing was probably as hilarious as some of the following excerpts taken from actual student science exams in the 1990s:

  • The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
  • The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
  • The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
  • English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
  • Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
  • A magnet is something you find crawling over a dead cat.
  • A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene angle.
  • For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose.
  • For snakebites, bleek the wound and rap the victim in a blanket for shock.
  • To prevent conception, the male wears a condominium.
  • Use a turnpike on an arm or leg if there’s a bad cut to stop the bleeding.
  • Living Death is an oximormon that’s like being dead when you’re really alive.

Shocking! Similes Gone Wrong, Very Wrong

14 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by Elizabeth Fais in English, Humor, Writing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

creative writing, Elizabeth Fais, English, essays, Fiction, high school, Humor, short stories, simile, Writing

A simile is a literary device used to make a comparison by showing the similarities Surprised boyof two different things. A simile draws a resemblance, in most cases using the words like or as, to create a direct comparison.

  • She swam as gracefully as a swan.
  • Confidence radiated off him like he owned the place, even though he was just a waiter.
  • Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. — William Shakespeare, Sonnet 18

When used correctly, similes are a powerful descriptive tool that engages readers, encouraging the imagination. Misused, similes can be nothing short of hilarious, maybe even shocking.

High School Hilarity

laughing catIn the process of cleaning out a file cabinet, I found a folder full of “funny stuff” that floated around the Internet back in the 90’s. I wish I could take credit for compiling this list of high school’s most hilarious similes, but I can’t. I don’t even know the originator, or I’d give them credit.

Each of the following similes was taken from an actual high school essay or short story, punctuation and all. What makes them so hilarious is their innocence, not their ignorance. Enjoy!

  • The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  • She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  • McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  • The politician was gone  but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  • Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, whatever.
  • The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  • Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “second tall man”.
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers race across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  • His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

[PC: morguefile.com]

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