I’ve been a technical writer in the computer software industry longer than I care to admit. As in any industry, there are closely guarded secrets no one wants the unsuspecting public to know. /dev/null tells no tales, but I sure can! It’s time you learned what you never wanted to know about software, because you were afraid to ask.

CAUTION: Disturbing subject matter, could result in gut-wrenching laughter.

What they really mean when they say…

• NEW — Different colors from the previous version.
• ALL NEW — Software is not compatible with the previous version.
• EXCLUSIVE — We’re the only one who has documentation.
• UNMATCHED — Almost as good as the competition.
• DESIGN SIMPLICITY — Developed on a shoe-string budget.
• FOOLPROOF OPERATION — All parameters are hard-coded.
• ADVANCED DESIGN — Upper management doesn’t understand it.
• IT’S HERE AT LAST — Released a 26 week project in 48 weeks.
• FIELD TESTED — Manufacturing doesn’t have a test system.
• HIGH ACCURACY — It hasn’t crashed…yet.
• YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT — Finally got one to work.
• UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE — Nothing ever ran this slow before.
• REVOLUTIONARY — Disk drives go round and round.
• BREAKTHROUGH — It finally booted on the first try.
• FUTURISTIC — It only runs on the next generation supercomputer.
• NO MAINTENANCE — Impossible to fix.
• PERFORMANCE PROVEN — Worked through Beta test.
• MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS — It compiles without errors.
• SATISFACTION GUARANTEED — We’ll send you another pack if it fails.
• STOCK ITEM — We shipped it once and we can do it again.

DISCLAIMER: I cannot take credit for this enlightening expose. This top-secret information was clandestinely distributed in the 1990s. Now that the statute of imitation has expired, the gritty truth can finally be told.